Another Mother’s Day, another day to be reminded that I am without a mother. A day to be reminded that I had to learn the most fucked up lesson that I never wanted to learn & yet the most powerful, how to mother & parent myself.
I not only mother my 2 little girls I have to mother myself. Because when my own mum & then my dad physically left this earth my inner child said “oh no I’m an orphan” and I had to say “yes honey you are, but me, your adult self, will learn to parent you”. “So when your scared & lonely I will stand up & say I’ve got this”.
I’m not doing half the job my mum could do but I’m doing it anyway, I’m learning, making progress & not giving up. I can hear my mum say I’m here I haven’t left you I’m still around & I say I know but I still need to physically parent myself when my inner child doesn’t believe.
I look at Mother’s Day as a day off! A day not to parent or mother (except for kisses & cuddles of course) but A day I can focus on me & mother myself. Because I’m tired, my soul is tired & I just want a day to be still. I’ve heard that grief is the acknowledgment that we loved. Well I’ve loved, I loved so hard & so much that when my mother left this earth I thought that’s it then, I’m done, I don’t want to be here anymore, I have nothing left. But then somehow I realized I’m not done & more life happened & more realizations that I am so far from done!
I realized that the greatest gift I can give my parents & my inner child & all of me is to live! To live wholehearted & all in. And to carry on with the grief as proof of how much I love & how much I was & still am loved. To carry on as the Love Warrior ( to use Glennon Doyle-Melton’s term) I am & raise my own little love warriors! To be true to my aching heart & to find the beauty in the everyday. I don’t need words of encouragement that everything will be ok, everything IS ok. That is the beauty of it all, I’m here & being & loving in a world without my mum & dad & the learning’s will continue……..